Thanks but it had nothing to do with love. I wasn't on medication yet (and was raised that taking medication was weak) so my mind was a hellscape. After nine years, it was something I could no longer endure, and I didn't find out that those people didn't really love me until AFTER. I didn't try to kill myself because I felt unloved or lonely; I was surrounded by friends and family. I tried to kill myself because I couldn't suffer any longer. It was too much pain with no discernible cause. (I didn't know I had bipolar disorder yet.) So love was not really a part of that decision which made the hate all the more surprising.
I have no doubt this is your lived experience, but I don’t know if it’s as universal as you’re suggesting. There are less confrontational horizons. In my own experience, following the (unsuccessful) attempts to take their own lives by two different relatives, there was a general gathering-round and supportive behaviour. People were puzzled and incredulous and questioning, and nobody could really put themselves in the other’s shoes. But rage? Not really… more a kind of anger that events conspired to end that way. (Bear in mind that I could be sugar-coating our group reaction because I may not want the taint of any poor behaviour, but this is my honest recollection. Also, the… what’s the word… suicidees(?) did not lash out to blame anybody else for their actions, which would probably change the temperature in the room.)
Anyway, your family and “friends” sound like a right bunch of wankers. Welcome to the bright side 🙂
I would like it very much if a single survivor I knew had a positive experience with their loved ones after their attempts. I would also like it if people cried at the funerals of friends and family I’ve lost to suicide. I’m certain it’s not a universal experience and there are some lucky people with good support systems, but I’ve never met one of those people. Ever. Which means I appreciate your comment because it’s from a different perspective so thank you.
That such rage was your experience does suggest something about your environment. Sounds like you knew a number of self-righteous, self-important people.
Perhaps your afflictions aren't entirely endogenous. Lots of people grow up thinking the pathological behavior of those around them is "normal", because they know naught else. And the "pathological" response is, sometimes, a rational response to a pathological situation.
They weren’t like that BEFORE the attempt (with the exception of my ex-fiancé who was always a fuckface). I was surrounded by love and very close with friends and family. Which made the rage that much more of a surprise. These were not people who abused or traumatized me: they were people I trusted and shared meals with and played music together and enriched my life. They’re what kept me alive for so long. If I had felt lonely or neglected it would have been different. These were people I was certain would care about me no matter what and most of them knew I struggled with suicide. I thought they would understand if I killed myself. And I was wrong. Which was a devastating shock.
The family relationships healed but it took years and dozens of apologies from me. (It is worth mentioning that my father and sister were incredibly supportive during that time and were constantly defending and sticking up for me.) Fortunately now we can joke about it; my brother got me a “Live - Laugh - Toaster Bath” shirt for xmas. My mother sends me flowers every year on my “unbirthday.” But they’ll always look back on that as the day I hurt THEM the most. From what I’ve seen from other survivors and at the funerals of victims, that is not an unusual perspective, no matter the circumstances of their lives/upbringing/history.
I've seen the anger before (a few friends have died by their own hand). I never understood it. I just felt sad my friend was gone; I never felt angry that they chose to go. It was their decision. If they were in that much pain, who am I to judge?
I go to the hospital when I want to kill myself. I never again want to be the object of rage and wrath from people I care about. AND my husband’s father killed himself so I can’t put him through that again. Don’t worry- suicide is not an option.
Hey! Stop that plz. People who got madder at you than sad after you tried to take your life are not the support any decent human desserve to have, and i think you are one of them. My older bro took his life when he was 18 and me 15. Was the 18 april 1998. Not one fucking day that i dont think of him till now. I cant be mad at him though. If he suffered so much that he did kill himself, its suffering beyong my yet comprehension, because if it was i d be dead too. So. u cant hate someone u loved for the fact that he suffered so much. U can just regret that u didnt see, u didnt know. The world need you. I think. Take care.
I'm sorry about your brother. You seem like a good person. Suicide is difficult to understand so it's impressive that you're able to process that in a healthy way. Thank you for reading and commenting.
thanks to you! I can vaguely imagine because i did think of it myslef many times. But i know that if i didnt do it, its because the pain was not "enough". To speak of being brave or whatever, is just a non-sense in a psychocological point of view. Take care.
If you'd felt loved by the folks that were angry at you for attempting suicide, you most likely wouldn't have tried to end your life.
I'm glad you did find love.
Your writing is important.
So are you,Amelia.
Take it as a way of feeling loved by folks you'll never meet.
And from someone else that's been there. ❤️
Thanks but it had nothing to do with love. I wasn't on medication yet (and was raised that taking medication was weak) so my mind was a hellscape. After nine years, it was something I could no longer endure, and I didn't find out that those people didn't really love me until AFTER. I didn't try to kill myself because I felt unloved or lonely; I was surrounded by friends and family. I tried to kill myself because I couldn't suffer any longer. It was too much pain with no discernible cause. (I didn't know I had bipolar disorder yet.) So love was not really a part of that decision which made the hate all the more surprising.
I have no doubt this is your lived experience, but I don’t know if it’s as universal as you’re suggesting. There are less confrontational horizons. In my own experience, following the (unsuccessful) attempts to take their own lives by two different relatives, there was a general gathering-round and supportive behaviour. People were puzzled and incredulous and questioning, and nobody could really put themselves in the other’s shoes. But rage? Not really… more a kind of anger that events conspired to end that way. (Bear in mind that I could be sugar-coating our group reaction because I may not want the taint of any poor behaviour, but this is my honest recollection. Also, the… what’s the word… suicidees(?) did not lash out to blame anybody else for their actions, which would probably change the temperature in the room.)
Anyway, your family and “friends” sound like a right bunch of wankers. Welcome to the bright side 🙂
I would like it very much if a single survivor I knew had a positive experience with their loved ones after their attempts. I would also like it if people cried at the funerals of friends and family I’ve lost to suicide. I’m certain it’s not a universal experience and there are some lucky people with good support systems, but I’ve never met one of those people. Ever. Which means I appreciate your comment because it’s from a different perspective so thank you.
That such rage was your experience does suggest something about your environment. Sounds like you knew a number of self-righteous, self-important people.
Perhaps your afflictions aren't entirely endogenous. Lots of people grow up thinking the pathological behavior of those around them is "normal", because they know naught else. And the "pathological" response is, sometimes, a rational response to a pathological situation.
They weren’t like that BEFORE the attempt (with the exception of my ex-fiancé who was always a fuckface). I was surrounded by love and very close with friends and family. Which made the rage that much more of a surprise. These were not people who abused or traumatized me: they were people I trusted and shared meals with and played music together and enriched my life. They’re what kept me alive for so long. If I had felt lonely or neglected it would have been different. These were people I was certain would care about me no matter what and most of them knew I struggled with suicide. I thought they would understand if I killed myself. And I was wrong. Which was a devastating shock.
The family relationships healed but it took years and dozens of apologies from me. (It is worth mentioning that my father and sister were incredibly supportive during that time and were constantly defending and sticking up for me.) Fortunately now we can joke about it; my brother got me a “Live - Laugh - Toaster Bath” shirt for xmas. My mother sends me flowers every year on my “unbirthday.” But they’ll always look back on that as the day I hurt THEM the most. From what I’ve seen from other survivors and at the funerals of victims, that is not an unusual perspective, no matter the circumstances of their lives/upbringing/history.
I've seen the anger before (a few friends have died by their own hand). I never understood it. I just felt sad my friend was gone; I never felt angry that they chose to go. It was their decision. If they were in that much pain, who am I to judge?
Different strokes, I suppose.
I know it’s weird to be thanked for that, but thank you for that. It’s comforting to know some people feel that way.
Hey Amelia — don’t kill yourself.
You’re too cool and kind to do that to yourself on top of all the people who do love and care for you.
I go to the hospital when I want to kill myself. I never again want to be the object of rage and wrath from people I care about. AND my husband’s father killed himself so I can’t put him through that again. Don’t worry- suicide is not an option.
Hey! Stop that plz. People who got madder at you than sad after you tried to take your life are not the support any decent human desserve to have, and i think you are one of them. My older bro took his life when he was 18 and me 15. Was the 18 april 1998. Not one fucking day that i dont think of him till now. I cant be mad at him though. If he suffered so much that he did kill himself, its suffering beyong my yet comprehension, because if it was i d be dead too. So. u cant hate someone u loved for the fact that he suffered so much. U can just regret that u didnt see, u didnt know. The world need you. I think. Take care.
I'm sorry about your brother. You seem like a good person. Suicide is difficult to understand so it's impressive that you're able to process that in a healthy way. Thank you for reading and commenting.
thanks to you! I can vaguely imagine because i did think of it myslef many times. But i know that if i didnt do it, its because the pain was not "enough". To speak of being brave or whatever, is just a non-sense in a psychocological point of view. Take care.
You too.
Really good piece. Please stay.
Thanks, I will. I go to the hospital now when I'm suicidal because I don't want to be the object of my loved ones' rage ever again.