I worked in security and emergency management for a decade, primarily in hospitals. We offered self defense training to all female staff, in addition to those who were required to take it due to their job function. A shocking number who refused the training would say something like "I don't want to live in a violent world." Sometimes we convinced them to give it a chance anyway, but usually had no luck. I wish we could've shown those women this piece. I always had the sense that they were less receptive to this information coming from men.
Although we taught a system developed for law enforcement rather than a martial art, the lessons were identical to what you described here. Even though I've moved on to another profession for financial reasons - funny how protecting people has a lower pay ceiling than pushing data - I had to take a moment to leave a thank you.
We all should study martial arts. It’s useful for mastery of the mind and body, and students benefit even if they never have to defend themselves. The philosophy I learned taught me self-control and determination, along with physical discipline. Besides, it’s a more fun form of exercise than most. I highly recommend that you encourage your daughter to choose a place/style she’s interested in and to give it a try. Many dojos allow you to attend at least once for free to see if you like it. Thanks for reading; I’m surprised at the overall positive response.
Wife #1 and I started training in Shotokan just about the time we split for good. (Our daughter ensured there would always be a connection between us, but the marriage was done) She kept on and got serious, eventually training with Taika Seiyu Oyata (she worked as a seamstress for Sensei sewing gi) and becoming the first woman to earn her black belt in what was then Ryukyu Kempo, now RyeTe. She was a genuine badass who taught more than one rude dude a lesson in manners.
I love Kempo- absolutely vicious. Gets the job done. Oddly enough, my favorite English teacher in high school trained in Kempo and we would compare sparring wounds. We're till in close contact two decades later.
I used to dye my hair auburn and joked that it was "artificial intelligence" because I'm a natural blonde. But there are a lot of redheads in my family and I inherited that gene that makes Novocaine not work on you so that's the closet I get to being a ginger.
Amelia, thanks for sharing this. Mentioning these near death experiences and how you escaped must be hard. You had a great teacher it shows in how you remembered your training under pressure, and in the praise and respect you give him in this article. Have you ever thought about going back to the community to see if they would let you teach? Your experience and knowledge would be of great value to pass along to other women.
Though I'm still in contact with the Cuong Nhu family, there are no dojos in my state. Things have been hard since Grandmaster died too; I'm not sure any of us will recover from losing Quynh to covid. He was in peak physical condition and it was brutal. We couldn't even have a real funeral. Sometimes I practice katas but there's really no way to train here. Also the requirements for a black belt are strenuous and strict. I only made it to brown belt (sempai) which is when you start teaching to train to be a sensei. That's when I went off to college.
Also it's not hard to share these stories. I don't mind at all. Which is why I think it disturbs people when I talk about it in person. It doesn't bother me. I was prepared and I'm grateful to Quynh and all the men at my dojo (there were only two women) for effectively preparing me. I don't know what would have happened without them.
I'm glad you wrote this. Learning self defense is definitely worth it. When you know how, most likely you'll learn how easy it is to take a life. I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu for years.
You did what you had to do, telling others about it is as empowering as any other thing. 😊 thanks you'll probably change lives because of this.
Thanks, I appreciate that, and have deep respect for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I remember watching Gracie fight before there were any rules and actually dislocating shoulders and elbows when people refused to tap out. That’s the dirty-ass street fighting way, and Quynh approved.
Maybe it will help someone; I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t talk about it in polite society because it makes people uncomfortable, so I’m glad to have Substack to get it all out.
Yes they do have gym classes, silly. My niece complains about them all the time. I'm not surprised that self-defense is no longer taught with the legal concerns that it could bring up. Unfortunate. But, to be fair, a basic high school self-defense gym class wouldn't have saved me in any of those situations anyhow. I was lucky to have been trained specifically to fight off larger, stronger attackers. That takes years of devoted practice that an A+ in P.E. cannot provide.
The good men need to read stories like this so we’re more aware of the bad men who walk amongst us, and what women must deal with. Otherwise, we’re oblivious, and may find accusations harder to believe.
Yeah. And that they happened in three totally different contexts: late night in a bad neighborhood, broad daylight at a yacht club, and after a pleasant date. There’s no telling where violence will take place.
When I tell men about these events, their reaction is almost always, “Why didn’t you call the police afterwards?”
Because another thing Quynh taught me is that is you can go to jail for disabling an attacker if there was no clear intent to kill. The rules of the street don’t apply in court. I’m sure you’ve heard stories of the many women who have gone to prison for killing their abusers, rapists, pimps, and sex traffickers. If you haven’t, they’re not rare.
I’m no lawyer. Even if you’re in the right, if you have to hire a lawyer to defend yourself you’re penalized. And I’m certainly not going to judge a goddamn thing you did in any of those situations. I can see how something could quickly become a he said/she said mess, talking to a beat cop - especially the yacht club where his buddies would have backed him.
These kinds of stories are very important because violence against those perceived as vulnerable tend to get overlooked quite dramatically. I worked as a bouncer at a bar and saw many precursors to the behaviors of the men that you described. On many occasions, whether at work or going out with friends, I put it on myself to intervene any time I saw one or more of those precursors. Thankfully I'm a big loud dude, so typically people would walk away to avoid physical confrontation (I don't really fight though haha).
Thanks for writing, Amelia! Looking forward to more.
I worked in security and emergency management for a decade, primarily in hospitals. We offered self defense training to all female staff, in addition to those who were required to take it due to their job function. A shocking number who refused the training would say something like "I don't want to live in a violent world." Sometimes we convinced them to give it a chance anyway, but usually had no luck. I wish we could've shown those women this piece. I always had the sense that they were less receptive to this information coming from men.
Although we taught a system developed for law enforcement rather than a martial art, the lessons were identical to what you described here. Even though I've moved on to another profession for financial reasons - funny how protecting people has a lower pay ceiling than pushing data - I had to take a moment to leave a thank you.
So, thank you.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Maybe it will alter some perspectives.
What a story! I'm going to encourage my daughter to study martial arts now, sounds like she'll probably need it, as sad as that is to think about
.
We all should study martial arts. It’s useful for mastery of the mind and body, and students benefit even if they never have to defend themselves. The philosophy I learned taught me self-control and determination, along with physical discipline. Besides, it’s a more fun form of exercise than most. I highly recommend that you encourage your daughter to choose a place/style she’s interested in and to give it a try. Many dojos allow you to attend at least once for free to see if you like it. Thanks for reading; I’m surprised at the overall positive response.
I knew there was something I liked about you.
Wife #1 and I started training in Shotokan just about the time we split for good. (Our daughter ensured there would always be a connection between us, but the marriage was done) She kept on and got serious, eventually training with Taika Seiyu Oyata (she worked as a seamstress for Sensei sewing gi) and becoming the first woman to earn her black belt in what was then Ryukyu Kempo, now RyeTe. She was a genuine badass who taught more than one rude dude a lesson in manners.
Are you a redhead, by any chance?
I love Kempo- absolutely vicious. Gets the job done. Oddly enough, my favorite English teacher in high school trained in Kempo and we would compare sparring wounds. We're till in close contact two decades later.
I used to dye my hair auburn and joked that it was "artificial intelligence" because I'm a natural blonde. But there are a lot of redheads in my family and I inherited that gene that makes Novocaine not work on you so that's the closet I get to being a ginger.
Amelia, thanks for sharing this. Mentioning these near death experiences and how you escaped must be hard. You had a great teacher it shows in how you remembered your training under pressure, and in the praise and respect you give him in this article. Have you ever thought about going back to the community to see if they would let you teach? Your experience and knowledge would be of great value to pass along to other women.
Though I'm still in contact with the Cuong Nhu family, there are no dojos in my state. Things have been hard since Grandmaster died too; I'm not sure any of us will recover from losing Quynh to covid. He was in peak physical condition and it was brutal. We couldn't even have a real funeral. Sometimes I practice katas but there's really no way to train here. Also the requirements for a black belt are strenuous and strict. I only made it to brown belt (sempai) which is when you start teaching to train to be a sensei. That's when I went off to college.
Also it's not hard to share these stories. I don't mind at all. Which is why I think it disturbs people when I talk about it in person. It doesn't bother me. I was prepared and I'm grateful to Quynh and all the men at my dojo (there were only two women) for effectively preparing me. I don't know what would have happened without them.
I'm glad you wrote this. Learning self defense is definitely worth it. When you know how, most likely you'll learn how easy it is to take a life. I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu for years.
You did what you had to do, telling others about it is as empowering as any other thing. 😊 thanks you'll probably change lives because of this.
Thanks, I appreciate that, and have deep respect for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I remember watching Gracie fight before there were any rules and actually dislocating shoulders and elbows when people refused to tap out. That’s the dirty-ass street fighting way, and Quynh approved.
Maybe it will help someone; I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t talk about it in polite society because it makes people uncomfortable, so I’m glad to have Substack to get it all out.
High schools once taught self defense to young women in gym class. Now they don’t _have_ gym classes.
Yes they do have gym classes, silly. My niece complains about them all the time. I'm not surprised that self-defense is no longer taught with the legal concerns that it could bring up. Unfortunate. But, to be fair, a basic high school self-defense gym class wouldn't have saved me in any of those situations anyhow. I was lucky to have been trained specifically to fight off larger, stronger attackers. That takes years of devoted practice that an A+ in P.E. cannot provide.
It sounds as though your niece is relatively lucky.
No biggie. It’s possible that some private schools don’t require it 🤷🏼♀️
I don't know where you're getting your information from but P.E. classes are required in public schools.
My daughter set me straight. She did have PE. I may dimly remember paying for her PE uniforms. I don’t remember her talking about it.
It’s not real PE if they don’t have to suit up before and shower afterwards.
Thanks for reading- and for protecting women from predators. There are far more good men out there than bad guys so thank you for being one of them.
The good men need to read stories like this so we’re more aware of the bad men who walk amongst us, and what women must deal with. Otherwise, we’re oblivious, and may find accusations harder to believe.
Yeah. And that they happened in three totally different contexts: late night in a bad neighborhood, broad daylight at a yacht club, and after a pleasant date. There’s no telling where violence will take place.
When I tell men about these events, their reaction is almost always, “Why didn’t you call the police afterwards?”
Because another thing Quynh taught me is that is you can go to jail for disabling an attacker if there was no clear intent to kill. The rules of the street don’t apply in court. I’m sure you’ve heard stories of the many women who have gone to prison for killing their abusers, rapists, pimps, and sex traffickers. If you haven’t, they’re not rare.
I’m no lawyer. Even if you’re in the right, if you have to hire a lawyer to defend yourself you’re penalized. And I’m certainly not going to judge a goddamn thing you did in any of those situations. I can see how something could quickly become a he said/she said mess, talking to a beat cop - especially the yacht club where his buddies would have backed him.
100%
These kinds of stories are very important because violence against those perceived as vulnerable tend to get overlooked quite dramatically. I worked as a bouncer at a bar and saw many precursors to the behaviors of the men that you described. On many occasions, whether at work or going out with friends, I put it on myself to intervene any time I saw one or more of those precursors. Thankfully I'm a big loud dude, so typically people would walk away to avoid physical confrontation (I don't really fight though haha).
Thanks for writing, Amelia! Looking forward to more.